My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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