do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
vagina is talking i cant
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
