That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
