Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
