I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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