His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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