I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
