I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
