oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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