I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
i think my cat just said my name.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
