I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
