She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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