i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
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i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
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there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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