and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
