my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
