I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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