She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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