i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
