So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
