I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
