My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
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This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
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Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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