Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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