One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
