1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
