I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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