I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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