You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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