Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I will pee on everything he values.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
