how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
