tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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