Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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