I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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