My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
