Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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