Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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