walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
