8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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