Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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