Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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