It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
