Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
