We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
