Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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