I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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