i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize