I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
In other news, I just burned my penis
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
