is your mom at the bar?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
