I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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