I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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