I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
