if you like me you must not know who I am
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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