i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
