jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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