Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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