apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She said her name was "party"
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Randomize
