my vag is so smooth its legendary
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The Olympian is in my bed
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
