She is in my trunk
My cat gives me a boner
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
