people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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