Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
