If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
