dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
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