Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
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